THE FAMILY (PART 1)
THE FAMILY (Part 1)
Child and Parents in Second Chakra Relationship which requires changing as the child grows up.
- Attention: A natural need
- Attention seeking behavior: When natural attention needs are not met
- Attention seeking social strategies
- Attention seeking and social tyranny
- Sexual problems and failed oedipus/electra complex
- We need to heal our relationship with our parents
- The family personality/temperament/mood
- Challenging the misguided family loyalty of the inner child
- Birth order influences the individuals personality development
- Problems with parental relationships may lead to personality disorders and developmental issues
- Healing our family relationships and establishing the appropriate heart center connection
- Related study
Attention is a natural human need.
We all require a definite level of social attention to pacify our social needs:
- A feeling of belonging.
- A feeling of having a social place.
- Self-esteem and self-worth.
- Establishment in the social hierarchies of life.
When these natural attention needs are not met then we become distressed and may subconsciously adopt "social attention-seeking-behavior strategies" in an attempt to satisfy our normal attention needs.
Balancing attention needs in the family group is often difficult, even more so if we do not understand that:
"Normal attention needs are an important part of life and require satisfying."
Egocentric attention-seeking-behavior is normally a sign that a person is "attention deprived" and that their normal level of attention-satisfaction is not being met.
This is a very common occurrence in our increasingly socially fragmented and alienating modern lifestyles.
The deprivation of normal attention needs leads the individual to feel socially insecure, confused, and "attention hungry."
Attention hunger can become increasingly acute in the adolescent stage as we mix in sexual development and the need to understand social hierarchy, self-worth, and social-identity.
These social strategies are categorized as follows:
Use of the strategies is always accompanied by:
- Highly competitive behaviour.
- Infantile emotionality.
- Lack of reasoning (the emotion clouds the ability to think clearly).
- Unpleasant characteristics.
- Nasty and vicious thoughts and behavior.
- Socially manipulative and dishonest behaviour.
Because of this constant competitive behaviour pattern, in relationships, the attention seeking strategies occur in pairs as shown in the table below.
The violent violator/abuser/tyrant (sadistic).
|The Poor me /victim/saboteur (masochistic).|
The aggressive interrogator.
The jealous/competitive star.
The above table shows the broad categories, and every person who uses the strategies will often use more than one. It is also possible to play each strategy in an overt or covert manner. For example, some people can be very competitive but in a hidden way, therefore being greatly defended against criticism or exposure. It is an energetic war and everybody loses.
People get stuck in these detrimental and unhealthy behavior patterns.
If persistently used, these social strategies then become a part of the individual's personality and result in various forms of personality disorders.
You can observe this in yourself and in others.
The attention seeking behaviors can be placed into two distinct categories:
1. Pleasing others.
2. Blaming others.
A person will cycle through the sub-categories within the two main categories in an attempt to get attention from other people. The servile pleaser soon becomes the resentful blamer if their “pleasing” strategies don’t work and get your undivided attention.
These attention seeking sub-personalities set up a constant competition for the attention of other people. Why? Because the sub-personalities are still trying to get the attention of their own parents. If we do not heal these sub-personalities then they take over as the main social arena of the personality. Destroying lives in their mercenary desire to get attention.
Another problem with narcissistic personalities is their complete callousness and cold-heartedness when relating with other people. If the narcissist is feeling "special" then they get very upset at anybody who brings them down (see this behavior in 'Star' types) - even simply people who are having "a bad day". When they are down, then they will try out all the strategies to get your attention and thus feel "special" once again.
In a nutshell, if you don't feed into the narcissist, then they get upset with you one way or another.
Another example is when parents are narcissistic and will not allow their sons and daughters to simply be ordinary. The narcissistic parents cannot except this, instead their children must be "special" in some way. If, and when, the child fails to live up to the parents ridiculous "star" expectations, then the narcissistic parents become upset and disappointed by them, even though the original expectations are completely unrealistic in the first place.
Thousands of youth suicides per year are due to these circumstances. Lives are ruined due to the devastation that they bring with them. This is why it is important to know HOW TO AVOID THE EMERGENCE OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITIES IN THE FIRST PLACE.
"The person who is still fighting with their childhood and adolescent conditioning is fighting with that which they do not understand. Because they do not understand themselves, they act in ways that they do not understand, and thus their life is not fully comprehensible to themselves or others.
To deal with this turmoil, they may throw up a great act and unconsciously denounce - in all their activities - their parents. In these people, there burns an anger, hatred, and confusion that they do not understand and in this confusion they try (in vain) to reinvent the wheel. By constantly rebelling against their parents they also reject all good works achieved by all other adults.
These people are the unhealed children and adolescents. They surrounds themselves with others who share similar problems, think of themselves as "heroic rebels" and their personality cycles through many attention-seeking strategies all rooted in unhealed family issues. This "out-of-date" adolescent rebellion prevents the individual from actualizing a mature, comprehensive, and balanced adult life. So the unhealed Oedipus/Electra complex continues - until consciously healed.
To uncover this complex then simply enquire:
'How is your relationship with your Father, your Mother, and the rest of your family?'
This question will touch any sore points if there are any lurking in the personality."
The successfully integrated developing individual gains safe rite of passage which activates them to move on to the next Stages in their development and successful maturity, including:
- Understanding will and cooperation with social groups
- Understanding egotism
- Understanding emotions
- Maturity of mind
- Holistic life management
- Understanding the unity of life on earth (ecology)
- Transcendent considerations
The developing individual needs help and assistance to avoid the construction of these narcissistic personalities and pass through the childhood and adolescent stages successfully and then go on to lead a happy, fruitful, and satisfying life. Individuals who pass through these stages successfully are far more capable, intelligent, useful, compassionate, loving, responsible, alive and energetic adult people. They have more to give to life because they are less restrained, confused, and messed up than individuals who have not gained safe passage.
NARCISSISTIC ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR IS A FORM OF SOCIAL TYRANNY AND AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL OTHERS
“It’s not enough that I succeed, others must also fail. It’s not enough that I fail, others must also fail.”
– the Law of the Tyrant.
The tyrant exerts constant holistic pressure so that you gradually agree with them and thus you can be controlled by them. The tyrant seeks to control others by holistic domination – domination and compliance to their will in every area of your life. For example, some tyrants want you to agree with their every opinion, value, attitude, and belief. The effect on others is compliance via domination. Tyrants can be very subtle and manipulative so as to make it appear that they are not dominating you. To test the situation, simply begin to disagree with them and see what the response is.
Tyrant/violator/stars gloat at the misfortune of others. They are sadistic. At the same time they are a precious prince/princess. They project the social mask of “butter would not melt in their mouths.” They appear pleasant and polite yet in many cases this is a false virtue, a socially manufactured front that they use in an attempt to hide their ugly prejudice, narcissism, vanity, and hatred.
An uninspected life yields no lasting light or clarity. We must honestly look at our own personality and behavior if we wish to be free from the darkness of ignorance and egoism. These precious mummies/daddies darlings were often “the golden child”, the parents favorites and they soon realized that they could get away with all sorts of nasty and selfish behavior as long as they managed to keep up the “golden child” image to the parent.
They then carry this on into their adult life.
They believe they can do no wrong and sadly they do no right either. They only do good for appearances sake – to bolster their ego, for social status. Just like in their parental home, they feel that they are beyond criticism or discussion about their behavior. They will not tolerate any observations concerning possible character flaws and behavioral problems.
These are the children who would be “kings and queens” – narcissistic, vain, conceited, proud, malicious, mercenary, bullying, controlling, spiteful and arrogant.
It is important to mention that many people experience negative sexual problems due to the failure to successfully complete the Oedipus/Electra complex. A small sample of common problems are listed as follows:
- Not enjoying a healthy sex life
- Inability to form healthy sexual relationships.
- Disgust and dislike of the body and the sexual organs.
- Aversion to sexuality.
- Sexual addiction and problems.
- Abusive sexual relationships.
Many people emerge from the Oedipus/Electra complex with a negative relationship to sexuality.
All these dramas are centered around the narcissistic attention seeking strategies talked about above.
People who get stuck at an early age in the stages of individual development, have a tendency to exhibit a very small and infantile emotional repertoire. They may have highly developed intellect, physical body, and willpower, but further maturity is sabotaged by the stagnation and childishness of the emotional body.
The egotistical and attention seeking strategies are strongly exhibited by those with infantile emotions. The hurt inner child plays havoc with their lives and controls their moods and responses to life. They tend to use the attention seeking strategies, emotional blackmail (creating guilt and fear in others so that they can control them), manipulative psychological games, and are generally very selfish and only use people for their own energetic gain. They tend to offload all emotional responsibility onto other people - it's a form of control as they feel "special and superior" with all these "little nobodies" running around after them!
If you are feeling good, the infantile will attempt to criticize you and put you down - "you're showing off", "what's the matter with you?", "what are you on?"
If you are feeling bad and go to them for help, they will make themselves feel better by putting you down even further.
It makes them feel good to make other people feel bad.
They will make you feel guilty for being alive.
They gain their energy by destroying other people.
It is important to remember that people suffering from these dramas are very rarely conscious of why they respond to events with the emotionality that they do. They have developed these response in childhood and unless they consciously change, then they will continue to behave in such a manner until they die. Although they may be very intellectually developed and have many university qualifications, unfortunately, the hurt inner child rules the show.
The word 'parent' is used to refer to the group of people who helped bring us up when were children. This may not actually have been our blood parents, it could be guardians or adopted parents.
When we were a little, frightened, helpless person our parents or guardians picked us up when we fell, wiped the tears of frustration and pain from our eyes, made us food, gave us clothes and shelter, spent hours listening to our ideas and problems, tried to pass on their knowledge to us, made mistakes (like we all do) and hated themselves for it, chastised and smacked us because they were at their wits end concerning their own lives - felt horrible and guilty about it. Let's have a go at thinking about our parents in this manner. Really trying to consider them and the difficulties and sufferings that they must experience.
Some of the Experiences that we might expect if we don't heal our childhood pains.
We get caught up in the attention seeking strategies for the rest of our lives. Caught in an unconscious and perpetual cycle from one to the next, leading us further and further into depression and despair.
We may spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to find "parent substitutes" in our daily relationships with other people. This only leads to embarrassment, pain and confusion. The hurt and confused inner child trying to sort things out. When we do find suitable "parent substitutes", whether these are romantic partners or work associates, then we begin to play out all the unresolved childhood issues. People run away from us and we are left lonely, confused, and in pain.
We live on "autopilot", caught in the conditionings of our childhood personality, we cannot adapt to new life situations and thus substantial reduce our life experiences.
We pass on all our baggage and unresolved issues to our children, thus making them unhappy and confused.
We have a high probability of becoming addicted to the pleasure principle in an attempt to "blot out" our inner pain. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, compulsion, obsession, and pain.
Every group has certain characteristics that depend upon the attitudes towards each chakra, and the family is no exception.
Family members are all likely to share certain characteristics that are due to the conditioning (inherited attitudes) of the parents, which in turn is due to the conditioning of their parents, and so on.
The general family personality dictates what is allowed to be expressed in the conscious waking state (acceptable behavior), and also those aspects of human behavior that are not to be expressed (shadow material).
Families and other groups often expect you to share in (or take on and agree with) the family prejudices (opinions and world view).
Although there is a general family personality, individuals may differ in the level of 'saturation' of this personality.
The conditioning process can be sorted out and change in the individuals personality can take place, but it requires conscious understanding and effort on the part of the subject.
Many studies have shown this fact. For example, the eldest child may feel the most responsibility to do well in the material world. The middle child may suffer from alienation and may become reclusive and bitter in later life. The youngest child may always be "the baby" and have difficulty forming a firm foundation in adult maturity.
All of these personality traits can be sorted out later in life if the individual is unhappy about them. This will require healing and self-development work.
Where a child places in the birth order can have an effect on how he sees himself. Research on birth order, sometimes referred to as ordinal position, shows that first born children are more likely to go to college than children in any other position in the family. Parents should attempt to help each child to see themselves as unique individuals and avoid comparisons with siblings or others.
The middle child often seems to have the most negative impressions of his lot in life. One approach to help middle children reframe things is to point out that in a sense they have the best of both worlds. They are the youngest to the older sibling and the oldest to the younger sibling. Therefore they are both a big brother/sister and a little brother/sister. Younger children always want to be able to do the things older siblings are allowed to do. And older siblings may feel that the younger siblings get away with things they were not able to when they were the same age.
The following characteristics will not apply to all children in every family. Typical characteristics, however, can be identified:
|Only Child||First Child||Second Child||Middle Child of Three1||Youngest Child|
Is center of attention;
May have poor peer relations as child but better relations as adult.2
Pleases other only when wants to.
May have striving characteristics of oldest and inadequacy feelings and demands of youngest.
only child for period of time; used to being center
Believes must gain and hold
superiority over other children.
May develop competent, responsible behavior or become very discouraged.
Sometime strives to protect and help others.
Strives to please.
has parents' undivided attention.
May be rebel. Often doesn't like position.
neither rights of oldest nor privileges of youngest. Feels life
Feels unloved, left out, "squeezed."
Is adaptable. Learns to deal with both oldest and youngest sibling.
like only child. Feels every one bigger and more capable.
Expects others to do things, make decisions, take responsibility.
NOTES FOR ABOVE TABLE.
1. The middle child of three is usually different from the middle child of a large family. The middle children of large families are often less competitive as parents don't have as much time to give each child and so the children learn to cooperate to get what they want.
2. Only children usually want to be adults, and so don't relate to peers very well. When they become adults, they often believe they've finally "made it" and can now relate better to adults as peers.
3. During their formative years, only children live primarily in the world of adults. They must learn how to operate in the big people's world as well as how to entertain themselves. Thus they often become very creative in their endeavors.
The term sibling refers to children who are related and living in the same family.
Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families. Think back to Biblical times and Joseph's problems with his brothers or of the dreadful time Cinderella had with her stepsisters! It seems strange that whenever the word sibling comes up, the word rivalry seems sure to follow despite the fact that there are many solid sibling relationships in families (brothers and sisters who like and enjoy one another).
However, it is the rivalry that gets the required attention - the squeaky wheel gets the parent's attention.
Sibling rivalry expresses itself in terms of the attention seeking social strategies and if it is not healed within the family group then the individuals may take these social strategies with them into their adult life. This can be healed later in the individuals life.
Every child wants to feel accepted, loved, and respected by their parents.
Every child wants their behaviour and achievements to bring pleasure and happiness to their parents.
"I defend the attitudes and opinions of my upbringing, even though some of these values are harmful and damaging to myself and others. My Mum and Dad are right about everything."
- The misguided loyalty of the inner child.
Our inner child has a very strong and instinctual loyalty towards our parents and the attitudes, values, and opinions that they believed in.
Our inner adolescent may have the opposite view - an irrational rebellion towards all that our parents are and the desire to be nothing like them; neither integrating the good nor fully abandoning the bad.
This unchallenged loyalty/rebellion is a sign of immature "black and white thinking" that usually leads to confusion, distress, failure, and depression. Whatever we do with black and white thinking we can never get it right because it is an "either or" approach.
Our childhood loyalty arises from the realization that the child is totally dependent upon the adults of it's 'tribe' for its survival.
It's the same kind of loyalty that a soldier has for it's Nation. It is a blind and robotic response. It prevents real growth and maturity. It prevents our ability to consider our behaviour and thinking. It leads to a dependence upon others to give us the "inner authority" that we feel we lack.
Many "cult like" groups, and the family is no exception, expect total collusion (agreement) to the group mind which includes obedience and unquestioned loyalty to the leaders. Subjects - none leaders - are often left with no option but to "take up the party line" - to completely collude with the dynamics and politics of the situation - in fear of alienation, ridicule, chastisement, and other forms of punishment.
Within infantile groups, disagreement is experienced as a threat to the supremacy of the leaders, is seen as disobedience to any infantile social order.
This loyalty is an obstacle on the path of healing because we cannot begin to really challenge and sort out our own attitudes, values, and opinions towards life, if the inner child is still actively defending it's loyalty towards the conditioned personality.
The child's loyalty can be so strong and unconditional that we can defend behaviors and opinions that we should really be challenging and dropping.
|"Just as the soldier will unconditionally follow orders that are contrary to real humanistic behavior, so too will the inner child unquestioningly defend its learned behaviors and family loyalties."|
Problems arise when the learned behaviors are contrary to living a happy life, and this is the reason that we need to do something about it. Unchallenged inner child loyalty can severely reduce the quality and type of relationships that we can have with life, it can damage and restrict our repertoire of behavioral responses.
As adults, we will find it very difficult to change - to not act robotically from the repertoire of the conditioned personality - if our inner child is in charge of the show. This is why we need to gradually dissolve the pains, conflicts, and confusions of our inner child, so that we can challenge our conditioned personality and choose our own behavior patterns.
When we heal our inner child, then we gain mental and emotional freedoms from the robotic and conditioned personality.
Breaking through this barrier of the loyalty of the inner child can be a painful and upsetting experience because of the disappointment and confusion that the child really feels towards itself and it's family, but it must be done if we are to become true and independent adults with our own minds.
In reality, we are rescuing our inner child, and thus our developing adult, from mistaken allegiance to behaviors and attitudes that can often be harmful to ourselves and others.
An individual's healthy development can be sabotaged or stunted if the individual has deep problems concerning their relationship to their parents.
The individual may have difficulty finding suitable adult role-models to identify with and create a satisfying adult personality. This may lead to alienation from the adult world, making adult friends, and developing social ease.
Such issues are classified as "Developmental Problems."
If developmental problems persist with a duration of many years, then the individual may increase the risk of developing one or more personality disorders.
"When I hate my Mother, I hate all women who resemble her in anyway."
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