The third question:

Question 3

OSHO, WHY AM I AFRAID OF WOMEN?

Prabhudas,

IT IS not your personal question, it is almost universal.  All men are afraid of women, and all women are afraid of men -- because all people are afraid of love. The fear is of love. Hence man is afraid of woman because she is the object of love, and women are afraid of men because they are the object of their love.

We are afraid of love because Love is a small death. Love requires that we should surrender, and we don't want to surrender at all. We would like the OTHER to surrender, we would like the other to be a slave. But the same is the desire from the other side: man wants the woman to be a slave; and of course the woman also wants the same, the SAME desire is there. Their methods of enslaving each other may be different, but the desire is the same.

Man's methods are crude, the woman's methods are more subtle. If the man wants to destroy the freedom of the woman, he may beat the woman. If the woman wants to destroy the man's freedom, she may beat herself -- and that is far more effective, remember! She may cry and weep... that is far more clever too; that leaves the man absolutely indefensible. If you hit somebody the other can retaliate, react. The other can also hit you, or at least can defend. But if you hit yourself, then the other cannot do anything. The other is simply defenseless, the other is simply defeated.

So men only THINK that they are the masters in the house, the women know far better. But they never declare their mastery. In fact, they need not declare it because it is so certain. Man has to declare because he is uncertain, hesitant. And the woman always agrees with him that, "Yes, you are the master." She can afford to agree; she knows far better.

It is very rare to find a husband who is not henpecked. In fact, to be a husband means to be henpecked, because I have not yet come across a husband who is not henpecked! The word is superfluous,'husband' is enough, because the ways of the feminine mind are so subtle that the cruder ways of man never succeed.

It is said about a king that one day he was talking with ministers, and the conversation moved to the perennial subject, man/woman. And somebody said, "In your court everybody is henpecked."

The king was offended. He said, "This cannot be so!"

But the man insisted. He said, "Not only in your court -- in your whole capital you cannot find a single man who is not henpecked."

The king was offended. Immediately he called one of his most wise men, gave him two horses, one black, one white, the most precious ones, and told him, "Take these two horses, and whoever you are convinced is not henpecked, let him choose one. If he wants the black he can choose the black, or the white. Give it to him as a gift."

The wise man went. Days passed, weeks passed and months passed, and he tried in every way but he could not find anyone. Finally he came upon a very strong man in a hilly place; he had never seen such a man. He was just sitting outside, sunning himself. The wise man was impressed. He said, "Here is the man who must be the master of his house."

He asked him, "Who is the master of the house? Be true!"

The man simply showed his fists and his muscles. They were so big that even the wise man became afraid. And the big man said, "Just look at my muscles! What do you think? Who else can be the master of this house?"

And the wise man asked, "Where is your wife?" She was a very lean and thin woman; this man could have killed her at any moment, could have just crushed her with his fists. She was working in a corner, cooking something. He said, "That is my wife."

The wise man was absolutely satisfied that this must be the master. He said, "So you can choose: the king has said you can choose the white or the black horse, either, whichever you want."

And the man looked at the woman and said, "Lalou's mother, which one should I choose?"

And the wise man said, "You don't get either! If Lalou's mother is going to decide, finished!"

That lean, thin woman was going to decide.

This is the situation. Man tries in his ways, somehow, to possess the woman; the woman tries to possess the man. The woman is afraid because man can be physically violent. The man is afraid because the woman is psychologically very very clever, very very powerful.

You ask me, Prabhudas, "WHY AM I AFRAID OF WOMEN?"

You are afraid of love; you are afraid of losing your ego. You are asking a wrong question. And remember always: the mind tries many times to give you a wrong question. A little twist, a little turn, and the question becomes wrong.

Now you ask, "WHY AM I AFRAID OF WOMEN?"

The question seems to be perfectly right; it is not. You should have asked: why am I afraid of love? and then it would have been right. It is a wrong question. But many times we ask a wrong question, thinking that it is right.

Before you decide to ask a question, meditate over it. Look from all the aspects. Sleep on it for a few days so that it becomes more and more true -- because if you ask a true question my answer will be of immense help to you. But if your question' is wrong in the first place, then my answer cannot be of any help. Be straight, be down to earth! And don't be in a hurry to ask; meditate over the question from all possible sides. First try to find your own answers. Do your homework first, and then you will be able to ask the right question. In fact, to ask the right question is almost half the answer.

The story is told about a Russian who came to a Welsh village to contact a spy named Jones. Approaching the stationmaster, he inquired where Mr. Jones lived.

"Oh, there's lots of Joneses," the villager replied. "I'm Jones the stationmaster, and there's Jones the postman, and..."

The Russian leaned close to the stationmaster's ear. "It's raining in Birmingham today," he whispered significantly.

"Oh," said the stationmaster, "it must be Jones the spy you're looking for. Why didn't you say so straight off?"

Be straight! Never go zig-zag!

Your question basically is, "Why am I afraid of love?" But you may even be afraid to ask the question, because nobody wants to say that "I am afraid of love." Even to say that feels embarrassing, so we go on asking other questions. We never ask exactly the question that is needed to be pondered over. We ask other questions very close to it, but not exactly it.

And this is not the first time, Prabhudas, that such a question has come to me. Almost every day some woman asks "Why am I afraid of men?" some man asks, "Why am I afraid of women?" Everybody seems to be afraid of everybody else!

And just see -- what can the poor woman do to you? what can the poor man do to you? We are all in the same boat! Afraid we are, certainly, but we are not really afraid of each other.

A defeated politician, after days and days of vainly looking for a job, is walking home in despair when he suddenly sees the tent of a big circus. He decides to try his luck and asks the director of the circus for a job.

"The only person we need is a tightrope walker," replies the director.

The politician feels afraid but still accepts.

That evening, dressed as a monkey, it is announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, you will now admire the flying monkey."

The terrified politician climbs up the ladder until he reaches the rope. Trembling, he starts walking along the rope when, overwhelmed by the lights, the emotion and the crowd, he loses his balance and begins to fall.

Suddenly he sees a number of lions climbing on top of each other trying to reach him. Sure that his last moment has come he starts to pray when he hears, "Don't worry, brother, we are all other defeated politicians."

Don't be afraid of women! They are really afraid of you... and you are afraid of them... and unnecessarily creating much fuss, much noise, for no reason at all. And both are missing the point. That point is: fear of love.

Love frightens, scares, because love demands something which you are not ready to pay. Love asks you to drop the ego: that is the price love asks for. Without paying the price you cannot attain to love, and our whole life is an effort to attain to love without paying the price. Hence fear, jealousy, possessiveness, and all kinds of things arise in life, but not love. We go on hoping against hope that there may be some way that we can save our ego and still be in love. It is impossible, it is not in the nature of things.

So if you want to be in love, this is the first thing to decide: "I am ready to drop the ego." And remember, you are not surrendering to the woman; neither is the woman surrendering to you. That too is a fallacy; a very wrong approach has given you that idea. You both are surrendering to some unknown god of love. You both are surrendering to something invisible. You are not surrendering to each other, not at all; that is a wrong approach. Because of that wrong approach it becomes difficult to surrender: "Why should I surrender to somebody else? That means her ego will be more fulfilled!" And she also thinks, "Why should I surrender to somebody? His ego will be more fulfilled. Who is he? Why should I surrender to him?"

Remember, those who have looked deeply into the matter have something else to say to you. My own observation is: lovers don't surrender to each other, they surrender to something unknown that exists between them. They surrender to love -- call it the 'god of love' -- they both surrender to the god of love. Hence nobody's ego is fulfilled by your surrender; both the egos disappear in love.

If you move with this understanding, all fear of women will disappear. There is nothing to be afraid of: on the other side there is the same trembling heart as yours, with the same fears. You will feel compassion rather than fear. Both will help each other rather than frightening each other, because both are in the same boat.

But remember, the surrender is on the altar of love, neither to man nor to woman. Down the ages this has been taught to you: lovers surrender to each other. That is utter nonsense! That must have been said by people who don't know what love is. Lovers NEVER surrender to each other, lovers simply surrender to love. Yes, lovers lose their egos, but they don't give them to each other. Those egos simply evaporate.

Lovers don't become dependent on each other; they are not enslaved by each other. On the contrary, love gives freedom. Lovers are the most free people in the world. They help each other to become more and more free, because freedom brings joy, and meeting out of freedom has immense beauty.