ENERGY BLOCKAGE REMOVAL
|2005 AND 2006|
VOL. 2, PHILOSOPHIA PERENNIS
Zorba The Buddha
The fifth question
I AM VERY MUCH AFRAID OF MY WIFE. WHY? AND NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER EITHER. SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST PERFECT WOMEN THAT ONE COULD EVER FIND.
OUR LOVE is ALWAYS CONTAMINATED BY FEAR. The wife is afraid of the husband, the husband is afraid of the wife. The children are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children. We live in fear. Even in love, fear continues to poison our relationships.
You ask: I AM VERY MUCH AFRAID OF MY WIFE. WHY?
Who is not? Have you come across a person who is not afraid of his wife? Everybody is -- because we don't know how to love without fear.
Love has to be learnt, it is an art. It needs great intelligence. You don't love; that's why there is fear. If love is there, love dispels all fear. If fear is there, that simply shows your love is bogus -- it must be something else pretending to be love. It may be lust pretending to be love. Yes, lust is bound to remain afraid, because lust means you are exploiting the woman, you are using the woman. And the fear is always there: she may leave you. She may deny you, she may say no. And because it is only lust, a sexual lust, you are always afraid that if she says no then your sexual needs will not be fulfilled
And women become very very clever about it. The moment they see that the husband is sexually interested they start withdrawing. Because they don't want to be used as means; they don't want to be reduced to commodities! They resist, they fight.
I have heard:
One eighty-year-old man met in a summer resort with a woman of the same age. They fell in love. It can't happen in India -- it must have happened in America. In India even young people don't fall in love. In America even eighty-year-olds fall in love. Both situations are ugly. A young man not falling in love is ugly, an eighty-year-old man falling in love is ugly. The young man not falling in love shows that he is not young, and the old man falling in love, an eighty-year-old, simply shows he is not yet a grown-up.
They fell in love, they got married. The first night, the old man took the old woman's hand, pressed it lovingly; for a few minutes they were holding each other's hands and pressing, and then they went to sleep. That was their honeymoon.
Next day, the old man pressed, but not so long.
The third day, when he. was just going to press the old woman's hand, she said, "But today I have a headache."
Even pressing hands.... Nobody wants to be used. The greatest humiliation in life is to be used. And because you are using your women, that's why you are afraid. And they keep you in fear. If you use them, you will remain in fear. If you use them, they will torture you in every possible way. They will take revenge.
This is how it has been up to now. You will have to understand more about love. Love never uses the other. Love shares -- but the other is not used, never. And then fear disappears.
Love is not really a need, but an overflowing. When you need somebody, you cling. When you cling you are afraid. Clinging is always out of fear -- and the other knows that you are clinging, and the other starts exploiting the situation. And the other is also clinging. The woman is afraid the husband may leave, the husband is afraid the woman may leave. They are both in constant fear, in jealousy, watching, guarding each other. Husbands and wives turn into enemies rather than friends.
Mulla Nasruddin was talking to his doctor. The doctor said, "Nasruddin, you confess that you are bad-tempered. I suppose I need not tell you that science has discovered that your bad temper is caused by an ugly little microbe."
Mulla Nasruddin said, "For heaven's sake, speak quietly. She's sitting in the next room."
Husbands and wives live in fear, and the whole relationship has gone poisonous. And because this is one of the most fundamental relationships of life, the whole life is poisoned by its poison. Children will come out of your marriage, and your marriage is already bitter, sour. The children will come out of it and from the very beginning they will carry the shadows.
Marriage is the most fundamental institution. Out of it everything grows. It is the centralmost one of the society, the central core. It has to be transformed. It is ugly. It is not yet out of love that people get married, but for other reasons -- financial, social, religious -- and there are a thousand and one reasons.
If you are in love with somebody then the basic requirement is: make the other as free as possible -- because if you make the other free, only then can you have freedom. And in freedom, fear disappears. Fear is part of bondage.
Desk attendant to man checking into hospital with a black eye and several other minor injuries: "Married?"
"No, automobile accident."
The marriage that happens to be here on the earth today is almost an automobile accident. It is not yet a flowering of two beings in togetherness. It is almost a calamity. We have to change the whole foundation. People should not get married too early; they should experience as many love relationships as possible BEFORE they decide to get married.
The first love is really great, because it is the first -- otherwise it is very dangerous. It is the first so it is very romantic, but the romance will disappear soon. It is not going to become a stable foundation; it is not going to become your true marriage.
A man, before he decides to get married, should have known many women. And the woman should have known many men. Only then can you choose, only then can you feel with whom you are in tune. Only then can you understand with whom you start soaring high. But, down the ages, we have not allowed this.
A great experience of other people is needed before you can become committed. But now our ideology is still pretechnological. It was dangerous in the past, because the woman may have got pregnant and there would have been trouble for the woman, for the family, for her whole life. That's why there has never been a question of the man remaining virgin before he gets married. But for the woman it has been an absolute requirement all over the world to be a virgin.
Why this double standard? Why should the woman be a virgin? And why not the man? They say, "Boys are boys..." And girls are not girls?
It was simply because there was no technological protection for the woman. Now the protection is there. After the invention of fire, the pill is the greatest invention in the world. And the greatest revolutionaries are nothing compared to the revolution that the pill has brought into the world. You may not be aware but the pill has changed the whole world -- because it has changed the whole sexual code.
You are living in a post-technological age. You need not carry pre-technological ideologies; they are all harmful. They were needed once, they are no more needed. They are hampering your progress; they are unnecessary burdens. You are carrying them for NO reason and getting disturbed in your life.
Men and women should meet, know each other, and there should be no hurry to get married. Slowly slowly, you will learn the art of love, and you will learn the ways of being with people, and you will also learn with whom there is a spiritual affinity .
Marriage is a spiritual affair, not a physical phenomenon -- no, not at all. It is a spiritual at-one-ment. When you start feeling with some woman or with some man that a great music is arising something of the beyond penetrates. only then get settled. Otherwise there should be no hurry.
You ask me: AND NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER.
Nothing is wrong with anybody else in the world. I see a beautiful man and a beautiful woman, and both are beautiful separately. Together, both are ugly. Something goes wrong; they don't fit. The man is beautiful, the woman is beautiful, but the marriage is ugly. They don't fit; they are not meant for each other.
And when the marriage goes ugly, they both start becoming ugly, slowly slowly. I have never come across an ugly person -- all persons are beautiful. But they need beautiful relationships to go on growing in their beauty, to go on bringing new flowers, new songs.
You say; SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST PERFECT WOMEN THAT ONE COULD EVER FIND.
That may be so -- if you say it, I believe you. Otherwise, perfect people are nowhere to be found. Perfect people don't exist. Imperfection is part of life, a very essential part of life. The moment somebody becomes perfect, he starts disappearing from life.
That's why we say Buddhas are never born again -- they became perfect, they need not come back. They have learnt all that was to be learnt here on the earth; they need not become embodied again.
You say your wife is as perfect a woman as one can ever find. She may be a moralist, she may be a perfectionist -- but a perfectionist is a totally different thing from one who is perfect. A perfectionist is a neurotic person -- and neurosis can hide behind perfectionism very easily. And women tend to become perfectionists, because they are not allowed any other kind of domination.
For centuries, man has dominated in every other way -- economically, socially, politically, religiously. Everywhere he is in domination. He has not left any way for the woman to dominate; she had to invent her own ways.
Every woman becomes a moralist, a perfectionist. That is her strategy, her politics, to dominate you. She will not allow you to smoke cigarettes because it is wrong; she will not allow you to drink -- it is wrong. She will not allow you to eat this and that -- it is wrong. She will not allow you anything! That is her way of dominating you.
If women are allowed all the other possible ways to compete with men in the world, they will not be perfectionists any more. That's what is happening in the West: the women have started smoking themselves. They had never done it before; they were always against the husband smoking. Now they are smoking themselves. What has happened? That was the only possible way for them to be in control.
And remember, that may be the reason why you are afraid -- because she is a perfectionist. She may be creating great guilt in you that you are not worthy of her. That is her strategy: beware of it. That is a very subtle trick to dominate and possess.
Two young men were discussing the usual subject: girls. "I'm looking for a girl," said one, "who does not drink, smoke or have any bad habits."
And when you find her," asked the other guy, "what in the hell are you going to do with her?"
If you can find a perfect woman you will be in trouble. She will not be human; she will be very inhuman in her demands. And you will look like a worm, ugly, compared to her. That is the whole joy of the puritan, the moralist.
Your so-called saints are enjoying ego trips. They are ready to sacrifice everything and go through any asceticism just to torture you, to show you that you are ugly, that you are immoral, that you are sinners. Their whole joy consists in one thing: how to prove that they are saints. And whatsoever you demand, they are ready to do it. Just go on fulfilling one thing: go on believing that they are saints. They are ready to do ANY stupid thing you demand.
There was a Christian saint, and then a great sect arose behind him. The saint use to beat himself every day in the morning for his sins. Of course, he was respected very much, and many followers gathered. And BEATING oneself became the most important thing in that sect. And the greatest person was the one who would beat himself the most, who would make wounds on his body, who would torture himself. He would be the greatest saint. Now, look at the stupidity.
But people are ready to go on a fast, to starve themselves. to be naked in the cold -- to do ANYTHING! -- if you give them respect, if you fulfill their egos.
This is very cunning politics. And because women have no other way to dominate, they dominate through perfectionism. But the basic thing is that you have not loved the woman yet, and you have not allowed the woman to love you either. The relationship is of fear. And you also must be making her afraid: this is your side of the story. I don't know the other story -- her side. You must be making her afraid, also, in subtle ways threatening her.
Drop all these games. Life is short, and love is valuable. Don't miss the opportunity of being in deep intimate love -- because it is only love that opens the doors to prayer.