The third question:

Question 3

WHEN I CAME TO THE ASHRAM ONE WEEK AGO, I FELT THE STRONG ENERGY AND LIKED THE ATMOSPHERE. THE NEXT DAY ALREADY I FELT HOW I WAS OPENING MY HEART THROUGH THE MEDITATIONS, SUFI DANCES AND SO ON, AND I WAS REALLY HAPPY. I WAS READY TO START GROWING, TO IMPROVE MYSELF.

AND NOW I'M REALLY SAD, LONELY, REJECTED. I SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT JUST GROWING FROM A SEED TO A BIG TREE IS NOT THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SHARE ALL THE LOVE WE FEEL, ALL THE ENERGY WE GET. WE ARE NOT LIVING ALONE ON EARTH. WE ARE A COMMUNITY, A BIG FAMILY, SUPPORTED BY LOVE. AND IT IS EXACTLY THIS THAT I'M MISSING AT THE ASHRAM. I WANT TO ENJOY BOTH PARTS OF ME -- THE GROWING AND IMPROVING PART, AND THE HUMAN LOVE OR SHARING PART -- I'M ONE WHOLE PERSON. IS CONTACT AND LOVE FEELING SO DIFFICULT TO FIND HERE? OR ARE WE EXPECTING TOO MUCH? I'M REALLY SO CONFUSED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER TO HELP ME.

THE first thing: this happens to almost everybody who comes to me, because you have become addicted to misery. When you first come here you are simply in awe. For a moment the shock of the energy that is available here makes you forget your old habitual patterns -- shakes you up, wakes you up for a moment into a different kind of reality. But those habits, those old habits, can't leave you so easily. They come back in new forms.

And this is one of the easiest forms. You see people are happy here, people are dancing and joyous, and you would like to be happy. But then suddenly you start thinking about the world. The beggars on the street, the poverty, the starvation and the wars -- all kinds of problems simply start coming from every direction to your mind. And your mind starts saying 'When the world is in such misery how can you be happy? You have to share, you have to go and serve. You are not alone, you exist in a society -- you are part of it, you have to serve the society.' This is a very very cunning device of the mud.

Just the other day, I was looking at a cartoon. Snoopy is dancing, really going crazy, utterly blissful, in samadhi. And Lucy looks at him and says 'Stop this! Stop this! The world is in great misery. Can't you see that people are suffering? How can you be so happy when the world is in such hell?' There is great condemnation in her eyes. For a moment even Snoopy stops. And Lucy says 'Are you not aware, you stupid? Are you not aware of what is happening in the world? Is this the time to dance in such a mad abandoned way?'

Snoopy says 'But my legs are feeling very very happy and I'm really enjoying it. And thank God that I am an ignorant person.' And he starts dancing again.

This question is from Christiane. Now, Christiane, your inside Lucy is arising. And you will find many Snoopys dancing here and your mind will say 'What? People singing Alleluia? This Aneeta is mad and these people are mad. And the world is in such misery. How can you be so unloving? How can you be so hard? Where is your compassion?' And these are just devices of your mind to make you miserable again, to keep you at that level of misery.

And that is not going to help the world. What are you going to share with the world? Tell me, Lucy, what are you going to share with the world? What have you got to share? You can share only that which you have -- if you are blissful you can share bliss, if you are miserable you will make the world more miserable.

At least dance, let your legs feel good. One person happy means a small part of the world has become happy. By becoming happy you are creating a happy world, by dancing you are creating a dancing world, because you are the world. And yes, your Christian mind, Catholic mind, missionary mind, will find many problems. 'How can people be so selfish, just enjoying?'

But these selfish people will create a vise, a different vise, in the world -- they are already creating it. More and more people will get drunk through their dance. more and more people will feel their legs are becoming alive, that d song wants to burst forth in their heart too. More and more people will get infected by this orange :disease. It has to spread to epidemic proportions -- that is the only way to transform the world, there is no other way.

By serving people you cannot transform anything, because you don't have joy. You serve out of duty, you serve out of your misery. And your misery goes on showing on your face, in your being. You pulsate misery -- that's all that you can share right now. What else have you got?

You say: AND NOW I'M REALLY SAD, LONELY, REJECTED. I SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT JUST GROWING FROM A SEED TO A BIG TREE IS NOT THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING.

It is the only important thing. Then the flowers come on their own accord; you need not pull them out of the tree. The only thing, the only important thing, is to grow and become a big tree. Let your roots go deep into the earth and your branches high into the sky, and enjoy the sun and the moon and the stars and the wind and the rains, and forget about the whole world, and your flowers will bloom. And that fragrance will reach to people, to whomsoever it concerns -- it is unaddressed but it will reach people. But whether it reaches anyone or not, that is not the point. Even if a single individual is happy, a part of the world is transformed.

Meditate on these words of Walt Whitman:

'I exist as I am. That is enough. If no other in the world be aware, I sit content. And if each and all be aware, I sit content.'

It doesn't matter. When the seed comes to bloom it doesn't matter whether anybody is getting the fragrance or not. It is released: it will reach people. It will reach people who are ready to receive it. It will not reach to all, because there are people who are living with closed eyes, there are people who are living with closed ears, there are people who are living with closed noses -- it will not reach to them. But only they are responsible for it.

I am creating a blissful milieu here. It will pulsate its energy to whomsoever it concerns.

But this mind comes to everybody who is a newcomer here. And this mind is a trick. The mind is very tricky, very diplomatic. If you cannot find any immediate reason to be miserable you can always find millions of reasons in the world to be miserable. You are simply searching for excuses to be miserable. Remember, the hardest arithmetic to learn is the arithmetic that makes you capable of counting your blessings.

People go on counting their miseries -- not only their own, they go on counting others' miseries too. Then of course they are burdened. The world has always been in misery -- if Buddha had bothered about it he would never have become enlightened. Do you think there were no more wars there? people were not poor? people were not sad, depressed? They were -- more so than they are today.

But it is your choice. If you choose to be miserable there are great opportunities; you can fall upon any opportunity. But if you want to be blissful there are very few opportunities available in the world, because very few people are courageous enough to allow happiness to happen -- they destroy it.

I teach self-fulness. And remember, self-fulness is not selfishness. A self-ful person is the only altruistic person, because he creates whatsoever is great in his being. And in that very creating, sharing starts happening. You need not go and make an effort to share it -- if it is there it starts overflowing. The dance cannot be contained, the joy cannot be contained. They overflow, they start reaching other people, they are contagious.

Listen to the whole question again: WHEN I CAME TO THE ASHRAM ONE WEEK AGO, I FELT THE STRONG ENERGY AND LIKED THE ATMOSPHERE. THE NEXT DAY ALREADY I FELT HOW I WAS OPENING MY HEART THROUGH THE MEDITATIONS, SUFI DANCES AND SO ON, AND I WAS REALLY HAPPY. I WAS READY TO START GROWING, TO IMPROVE MYSELF. AND NOW I'M REALLY SAD, LONELY, REJECTED. I SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT JUST GROWING FROM A SEED TO A BIG TREE IS NOT THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING.

It is the only important thing. All else follows. Jesus says 'Seek ye the kingdom of God and all else shall be added unto you.'

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SHARE ALL THE LOVE WE FEEL...

But if you are not joyous you cannot be loving either. Love is a function of joy. People go on thinking they are loving. You have not known love, you have not even tasted a single drop of it. Love happens only when you are full of joy; love is a shadow of joy, it doesn't happen directly. Only a blissful person is a loving person. A miserable person goes on saying that he loves, but in the name of love something else is masquerading. He NEEDS love, that's true -- he is a beggar. And because he needs love, he pretends at least to show that he gives because nobody is going to give you love if you don't at least pretend to give.

Watch. What do you mean when you say 'I love you'? Do you really love? Or do you simply feel 'This person is so beautiful, if he or she loves me that will be fantastic'? Now you have to throw a net, a trap: you say 'I love you.' You are just a beggar -- you are waiting to get his or her love; you are bargaining. And the other is doing the same, remember -- the other is also saying 'I am deeply in love with you. I would like to share my love with you.' And the other is also needy and greedy. Two greedy persons just pretending to give -- they really want to GET.

That's why all lovers feel cheated and frustrated. Sooner or later the faces are worn out and the reality comes up. And you are demanding love -- she demands and you demand and there is conflict and there is fight. The fight between lovers is the fight between two demanding hearts, two greedy persons. If it is only a sharing, why fight? Sharing knows no jealousy, only greed knows jealousy. Then you are afraid and you are constantly watching the woman, whether she is giving her love to somebody else -- because if she is giving some love to somebody else, that much love is lost towards you.

You are greedy. 'Was she laughing with that man? She never laughs like that with me. What is happening?' Suspicions arise. 'Why should she laugh with anybody else? Because there is only a certain quantity of laughter. And she laughed with that man: now she will not laugh with me.' You live in an economy of scarcity. Mm? She kissed that man, now how can she kiss you? The kiss is finished! Now you are at a loss; you have been cheated.

This is all greed pretending to be love. It is not sharing, it is an effort to get: 'How to get more?' And naturally the greedy mind tries to give less and to get more -- that's what income is. And both are trying to make profit out of it: give less and get more. When you need, smile. You know? Whenever your wife smiles you become afraid. Have you not observed it? Whenever you come home and you find her smiling just standing at the door, your heart sinks. She will demand something. Maybe she has seen a diamond in the market or a necklace or a sari or something -- she is going to demand. Otherwise she never smiles. She is such a miser, she keeps her lips tight together; even if you smile she pretends that she has not seen your smile -- she never responds.

And when the husband comes with ice cream or with flowers... And you have forgotten -- for years he has never come with ice cream or with flowers and you are suspicious: he must have committed something wrong, he must have been with some woman. This is just a way to create a substitute -- he is feeling guilty. And the woman starts searching in his pockets and the diary and the phone numbers, for some clue somewhere. Otherwise he never brings ice cream...

You are always trying to get, and the other is trying not to give. This you call sharing? What have you got to share, Lucy? You have not got anything to share.

First create some joy, some dance, some song. Then sharing happens on its own accord. You need not do anything to share; you HAVE to share when you have too much. Just like a rain cloud, it has to shower. Just like a flower, it has to spread its perfume. Or just like a lamp, it has to spread its light.

You say: WE SHOULD HE ABLE TO SHARE ALL THE LOVE WE FEEL ALL THE ENERGY WE GET.

You don't have any love. It is very rare to come across a loving person. You may find lovely persons, but loving persons are very rare.

WE ARE NOT LIVING ALONE ON EARTH.

That's true, you are not living alone on earth, there are many miserable people like you. You belong to a miserable society, you live in a hell. And you have to learn how to be alone, otherwise you will never get out of this hell. You will have to learn how to be alone. That's what sannyas IS.

A person who can be blissful alone has gone beyond any kind of dependency. And he is the person who can go into the world and give his love to people, because he no longer needs anything from them -- he can simply go on giving unconditionally. He no longer belongs to the crowd. He can go into the crowd, because the crowd cannot distract him from his own center. He can live in the crowd and he will not be a part of the crowd, he can live in the crowd and the crowd will not be in him.

That's what meditation is all about, to be capable of being alone. And remember, aloneness is not loneliness. Loneliness is the state of the person who cannot live alone; loneliness means you are dependent on the crowd, on the other. Aloneness means you are happy with yourself, you are not dependent on anybody. The moment you are not dependent you are an emperor, you are a god, a goddess. Now you have something to share, you can go into the world.

I WANT TO ENJOY BOTH PARTS OF ME...

You have none. Neither this nor that.

... THE GROWING AND IMPROVING PART AND THE HUMAN LOVE OR SHARING PART...

They are both together, aspects of one phenomenon, and you have none yet. From where to start the journey? First you have to be joyful, then love will come. First you have to grow and become mature -- this is the definition of maturity. A child is born, he simply gets. A child is just a mouth and nothing else, a stomach. He goes on getting everything from everybody. That's why you give him a toy and the toy goes into the mouth. He is just the mouth, nothing else: a hunger. He wants to swallow everything -- he wants to swallow the mother, he wants to swallow the whole world. He cannot give anything; he is very very miserly, he hoards.

And naturally we accept it, because he is so helpless and what can you expect a small child to give? He cannot even say hello or hi, he cannot respond. You take it for granted -- he is so small, you give to him. The mother gives, the father gives, the family gives. The whole world is in a very very giving mood towards the child.

But the child is also learning a trick. He is learning that you can get without giving, that there is no need to give. He is creating a habit, a character, which keeps people immature for their whole life. You may be seventy and you still go on asking that everybody should give love to you. You may t e seventy, your children may be fifty and forty, and their children may be there, and you still go on hankering that everybody should give love to you. You are immature; you never grew out of your childhood.

A mature person is one who has changed the whole pattern of his being. He is now ready to give. He has taken enough from the world. now he is ready to live. Growth means you start becoming mature, growth means you start dropping your childhood patterns. And this is the basic change that has to happen.

It is very rare to find a mature person; they are all asking and asking, they are all mouths. Nobody is ready to give. That's why there is so much misery in the world -- all are beggars begging from each other. Nobody is ready to give, nobody has anything to give.

Please first start growing, start becoming a little more mature. And after you have attained a certain maturity you will see, you are capable of giving. But then there is no duty to give: it is not that you are obliging anybody. In fact you cannot resist giving. You cannot contain it, it is too much, it has to go. You have to empty yourself, otherwise it becomes burdening.

You say: I WANT TO ENJOY BOTH PARTS OF ME -- THE GROWING AND THE IMPROVING PART, AND THE HUMAN LOVE OR SHARING PART .

Start by growing, and the sharing will follow.

I AM ONE WHOLE PERSON.

Not yet. That's what you are searching for. You are fragmentary, you are so many people -- not one. You are not whole. The day you become whole you become holy too. That's what I am teaching here: how to become whole, how to become holy. And you have been taught never to become whole. All the so-called religions go on teaching you never to become whole: Deny the body. Then how can you become whole? Deny this, deny that, renounce this, renounce that. Then how can you be whole? Only in total acceptance is wholeness possible.

I accept life as it is in its totality. From sex to super consciousness, from body to soul, from the lowest to the highest, all has to be absorbed. Nothing has to be rejected, nothing at all. Then you will be whole. A Christian cannot be whole, a Hindu cannot be whole, a Jaina cannot be whole. Christ is whole but a Christian is not. The Buddha is whole but the Buddhist is not.

People love conflict. Either they have to fight with others or they start fighting with themselves, either they have to create misery for others or they create misery for themselves. People are torturers -- either they have to be murderers or they become suicides. Avoid both. Be in love with life. Nothing is wrong -- the wrong cannot happen, the wrong cannot exist, because it is only God that exists. Out of God all is good.

You can become whole if you partake of this occasion that is available to you.

And one thing more about this question: Again and again you have said 'I was ready to start growing, to improve myself... the growing and improving part...' They are two separate things. The improver is never a grower. They are not only separate, they are diametrically opposite -- the grower is never an improver. You have to understand it.

The man who is trying to improve upon himself has ideals. He has certain ideals, fixed ideals: he has to be like that. For example, Christ may be your ideal. Then you have to become Christ. That is improving -- then you will have to deny many things which don't fit with Christ. You may be trying to become a Buddha. Then you will have to deny and cut many parts of your being; they will not fit with Buddha.

You cannot fit with anybody else, you can only be yourself. An ideal will be needed, and all ideals are poisonous. How are you going to improve upon yourself? You will need examples. You will need a blueprint, a map, an image: this is how you should be. Buddha, Krishna, Christ -- you will have to choose some image and then you will have to imitate the image. Then you will become an imitation; you will never become a Christ.

Have you ever heard of anybody becoming a Christ except Jesus? And for two thousand years how many people have tried to improve upon themselves! Millions have suffered, and suffered in vain. Their misery was pointless, their monasteries were nothing but prisons -- but they did hard work. And all went down the drain. Not a single Christ has happened again -- it cannot happen, in the nature of things. God does not like repetitions. He is always origin all He always creates a new being. You are a new being! Don't try to improve upon yourself -- because the idea of improvement will naturally, necessarily, mean that you are following some image, some example, some pattern.

Growing is totally different. A tree grows, a Christian improves upon himself. A tree grows -- it knows not to what, where; it has no idea of the future, it simply grows. It finds growing a joy, so it goes on growing. It goes on putting out new leaves and new foliage and new buds and new flowers. It is simply growing with no program.

If you are trying to follow a program you will never grow, you will only become an imitator. You will become false, you will become pseudo, you will become artificial, synthetic. Growth need not be an improvement, not at all -- it MUST not be an improvement. Growth is spontaneous and natural: just be yourself and do your thing, and do that which is needed in this moment. Respond to here and now, and you will be growing. Trees are growing, birds are growing -- why should you not be growing?

Says Kabir: He looks after the birds and the bees -- why do you think that you are an orphan? Who has given you this wrong notion that the universe does not protect you, that the universe does not mother you? You are in the womb of God, He takes care. This is trust. The trees trust and they grow.

Man is distrustful. He takes growth into his own hands, he says 'I have to be this.' The 'should' has to be dropped. And you have it in mind to improve upon yourself: you will never be happy and you will never grow. At the most you can become a very very artificial thing.

I have heard:

A man who had married an old maid for her money took his bride on a honeymoon. They had obtained two berths on a deluxe train going to the Rockies, and she of course occupied the lower.

In their private compartment, all was cozy. She went to the bathroom and filled two glasses with water. As he peered from the upper berth, he saw her take out her false teeth and put them in one of the glasses, and then take out her glass eye and put it into the other glass. He almost fainted.

Then she took off her wig, revealing a totally bald head. He gazed at his bride in horror.

Now she turned out the lights, got into her bed, and coyly said 'Well, Joe, if you'd like to come down, I've something nice for you.'

'Hand it up' he answered.

If you improve upon yourself this is going to happen. All will be false, utterly false. Growth knows no future, it follows no pattern, it simply happens spontaneously. Improvement is a mind trip, growth is of the whole being. Growth is holy, improvement is ugly.