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Sufism

VOL. 1, SUFIS: THE PEOPLE OF THE PATH

Chapter-12

The 'Instant' Pathology

Third Question

 

 

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The third question:

Question 3

WHY DOES HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP CREATE TROUBLE AND IS IT SOMETHING NEW OR HAS IT BEEN THE CASE ALWAYS?

It creates trouble because it is hetero. It creates trouble because it is between two opposite polarities. It creates trouble because it is between two different kinds of species -- man and woman.

Man is one kind of species and woman is a different kind of species. They exist in opposite directions -- hence the attraction. Opposites attract. The negative electricity is attracted by the positive electricity; the positive electricity is attracted by the negative electricity. If you put two positive poles of magnetism together they repel each other. They don't attract. The similar repels, the contrary attracts.

The woman is attracted to the man, the man is attracted to the woman, because they are opposite -- yin, yang, day, night, life, death, earth, sky -- they attract. But remember, the very attraction is because of the opposition. They are opposite so they attract. When you come closer there are bound to be difficulties because you will be speaking different languages, you will be functioning from different parts of your being.

The woman functions illogically, the man functions logically. Logic and illogic don't meet. The woman is more poetic, the man is more prosaic. Their approaches towards life are different.

The woman is more interested in the immediate, the man is more interested in the far away. You can watch it in everything. The woman cannot believe why man is so interested in the moon and Mars. It looks stupid. What is the point? The woman is interested only in the neighbourhood; the neighbourhood gos-sip is her gospel. Man talks about great things, faraway things. The woman never raises those questions, those questions are irrelevant. She is interested in the immediate, the close by. The man talks about what is happening in Vietnam and what is happening in Korea and what is happening in Israel, and the woman talks about what is happening with the neighbour's wife, whom she is fooling around with, what is happening in the close-by world.

The man functions from the left hemisphere of his mind and the woman functions from the right hemisphere of her mind. They don't meet, they can't understand each other. They are attracted by each other but they can't understand each other. So there is a constant game of coming closer and going farther away. That is the problem -- relating and being distant. Both continue.

You come close to a woman to a certain point where a meeting happens and then you start going away. You move like two pendulums -- you come close and then you go far away, come close, go far away.

And this is nothing new -- because man and woman are nothing new.

Listen to this small story.

The Lord called Adam from the Garden of Eden and spoke to him. 'I am going to teach you to kiss.'

'What is kiss?' asked Adam.

'You go to Eve and you place your lips on hers.'

Adam did this and returned shortly.

Now, said the Lord, 'i will teach you to make love.'

'What is love?'

And the Almighty explained to Adam, and Adam left to try what he had learned. Very soon he came back.

'Lord,' said Adam, 'What is a headache?'

That's how it goes. So when your woman says that she has a headache, don't bother her. It is not something new. It started with Eve -- and the very first day Adam made love to her.

Then there is a constant effort to dominate. That too is natural -- natural as long as man remains man and woman remains woman. The man wants to dominate the woman in his own way, in his muscular way; the woman wants to dominate the man in her own feminine way -- by tears, by crying, weeping. Those are her strategies. Just as you have muscles, she has tears. And it almost always happens that muscles are defeated by tears -- because the softer wins over the harder.

This is bound to be so because whenever two persons are there, fear arises that the other may dominate. So before the other starts dominating you have to plan. This is very unconscious. This is not done deliberately, it is instinctive, it is natural, biological. It is built-in. One remains afraid the other may start dominating -- and then? So it is better to dominate before the other starts any kind of domination. There is bound to be a constant conflict.

Unless a woman and a man understand the whole structure of this polarity very deeply; unless they become meditators; unless they meditate on their own innermost desires, power trips, egos; unless they understand how their minds function; unless they understand how their minds function mechanically -- it is not possible to remain in silence and peace. Conflict will continue.

Man and woman are intimate enemies -- enemies and yet intimate. There is great pull and great attraction -- because of the unknown, the unfamiliar, the uncharted, the mysterious. But for the same reason, there is conflict.

If your woman is with you then you start feeling: how to be alone? When you are alone, after a few days you start a great thirst and hunger for your woman -- how to be with her? If you are alone, appetite arises for love; if you are with somebody, the appetite disappears and you start thinking, 'Why not go to the Himalayas and sit silently in a cave? Why go on bothering with this nonsense?'

Just a few days ago Ramananda wrote a letter to me. First he used to live alone, then he got tired of aloneness -- naturally. Everybody gets tired of aloneness, gets fed up with oneself. Nothing else to do, nowhere to go, nobody to look at, nobody to be with, nobody to hug, nobody to care for you or to care about. He got tired and started looking for a woman -- and when you look for trouble it comes!

So then came Vani from faraway Germany, and they were both happy -- as stories go. They were both happy. Then things started getting entangled, and there was conflict and fight and nagging -- all natural things. Then for two days Vani was ill and Ramananda was alone again. He enjoyed those two days like anything! He wrote me a letter: 'Osho, to be alone is so incredible, so beautiful, I have never known that aloneness is so beautiful.' I told him, 'Wait, Ramananda! Just a few more days and you will start hankering.'

And this goes on and on, again and again.

One has to understand. One has to understand how one functions, man or woman, and how the other functions. And don't be too personal about it. It has nothing to do with you. It is just the man's mind and the woman's mind, it has nothing to do with Ramananda and Vani. It is basically biological. You have to understand it very impersonally, only then can you go beyond it, only then can you transcend it.

Watch every move that you make and watch every move that the woman makes. Listen to the deepest instinct, to what is happening. Don't throw the responsibility on the other and don't start feeling guilty that you are doing something wrong. Nobody is doing wrong. It is simply natural.

But one can go beyond nature because there is a super-nature too. I am not saying that you are condemned to be natural, that you will remain always natural, no. With understanding one becomes wiser, wiser than nature. One becomes more meditative than nature allows. And through that understanding there comes a liberation.

But that liberation is so alchemical that it transforms you totally, radically. Then you are no more a man and your woman is no more a woman. Then you both become more like two spirits -- man, woman, seem irrelevant. And when a man is no more a man and a woman is no more a woman that means they are no more confined to their biologies, no more confined to their bodies -- because the difference is only in the body. Beyond the body there is no difference. Hidden behind, you are the same. It is just the body, the medium, that makes the difference. Once you have started learning how to go beyond the medium, how to transcend biology, physiology, then you have become only two spirits.

And only two spirits can live in communion forever. Then there arises a new kind of love which I call friendship. Friendship is higher than your so-called love. Your so-called love is full of hate; friendship is pure love. All hate has disappeared. All conflict, nagging, fighting has disappeared. All desire to dominate, possess, be jealous, has disappeared. Friendship is pure love. All that was not needed is no more there. All that was non-essential has, been left behind. Only the essential fragrance.

Friendship is the fragrance of love. And remember that unless you and your wife become friends, you will never be at peace.

 

Next: Chapter 12, The 'Instant' Pathology, The fourth question

 

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